Protected: What’s my worth?

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

The thorn in my flesh.

Through the years of being in the Christian community, I’ve come across incidents or articles where Christians talk about cherry picking verses from the Bible. It is typically a wrong thing to do because it’s meant to be taken whole sale. I’ve also come across articles talking about verses which people wish wasn’t there and so make their lives easier.

For me, I’ve come to find one myself. The hardest verse, in my opinion:

1 John 4:20, it says

“If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”

While the verse says “brother” it could mean, possibly, fellow believers. I struggle in that a little. However, the one which makes it the hardest are not fellow believers, but my literal brother. I kind of believe, if there were an irresponsibility and inconsiderate ranking lists, he would be one of the top few. Might even get a trophy for it.

Because of that, the thought of having to not just put up with him but to love him is really killing me from the inside.

Part of me also wants to argue that I can love God who is invisible while hating my brother who is visible. And it’s precisely because he is visible that I find it hard to love him. But then again, my love would be a false one?

Help me, God, to love the unloveable brother. For I cannot do it myself.  

Rant

Boy girl relationships are stupid.

A fresh start

Recently, I’ve been paying much attention to my appearance. From simply style, looking sharp all the way down to the skin. Watching videos from Real Men Real Style and Alpha M. has taught me quite a few things on grooming and, as they put it, ‘putting your best foot forward’.

However, trying to look good got me thinking a little. Looking at the opposite spectrum, namely, beneath the superficial – I was reminded of the Pharisees.

Pharisees were the people who were the most learned in terms of God’s word. They were the kind of people who would be able to recite the whole bible to you cover to cover. They were the Teachers of the Law. Yet there was one thing about them that is often pointed out in the Bible. They were hypocrites. They preached and imposed laws on people and cherrypicked. Jesus described them as ‘white-washed tombs’. Because they were dead.

Similarly, I would be found teaching, sharing the gospel and correcting people in their behaviour and world view as a Christian – if they called themselves Christian. While looking good in both the things I do and appearance, leading a lifestyle of secret sin rendered all the former meaningless. A white-washed tomb indeed.

Quiet time, reading the bible, intimacy with God and prayer coupled with scripture memory are terms which are not unfamiliar to me. Yet these were the very things that I neglected. Until today.

Recently, a friend shared this article by Francis Chan, writer of the book Crazy Love, with me.

Link: http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-greatest-thing-you-could-do-today

The article spoke of the emotions of Moses as he ascended the mountain to meet with God. In contrast to our experience with God, ours would probably pale. The main point of the article is that it is really high time that we start spending time with God and make time for Him. Not because He needs us – it’s the opposite, really. We need Him and He wants us. Just as this spurred me into action, I hope this does for you too.

The period of sin has led me to read Psalm 51 in my quiet time this morning and also became the passage for scripture memory this period. And I hope that through this I can be an effective and victorious Christian wherever I go. It resonated deep within me when David sang

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right^[b] spirit within me.
¹¹ Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.

The most beautiful part is where one sinner come to be cleansed and go on to lead more sinners to the Restorer. Also, I like how it is conditional. It sounded like it was a deal with God, but it makes perfect sense. One needs to experience the joy of salvation before sharing it with others.

Pet Peeve

Speaking about pet peeves, nothing beats loud chewing sounds. Ever since I was 15, I had developed a hatred for that loud, sharp sound of the devil.

Maybe I exaggerate, maybe I didn’t.

What might have caused it could possibly be due to my brother. You know how, sometimes, when you dislike someone, literally everything they do gets on your nerves? This could be one of them.

I loathe being near my brother when he eats. There’s always that loud salivary sound with a mix of slish, slosh, foreplay. I can hear your tongue caressing the food against the side and the roof of your mouth and your teeth banging against each other, mashing everything into one big ball of goo. I can hear everything – unfortunately – without even trying.

The use of words like “caress” and “banging” was on purpose. Yes, it sounds like sex… Sex should be done behind closed doors…

In other words, just close your mouth.

Which leads me to share this video I came across on Facebook recently. Enjoy.

The Garden

The near-stale air greeted me as the door of the lift slid open. Before me was a wall, with framed pictures of flowers bought, probably, from an average shop. I walked out. Perpendicular to the wall, closing me in, were automatic glass doors. I tried to open the door but to no avail. I rang the bell, and waited.

And once more… This time, a caretaker approached and let me in. This nursing home is where my grandmother is sojourning. I tried recalling where she last was.

“Ah! I. That should be the section she’s in.” I thought to myself. With anticipation, I looked around for it and found, however, empty beds and cold lights. I wondered if I made a mistake. I did.

Entering section J, a dim light came in from the windows and shone on the empty beds. And of the few ceiling fans, only 1 of it was on. An old lady – seemingly pleasant – called out to me and pointed to the bed opposite hers. That bed was surrounded by a curtain. She seemed to know who I was looking for. I gave her a puzzled look and then nodded briefly with a smile. It was only a few seconds before the curtains were open, revealing an old lady and a female caretaker. She was laying there.

With a smile across my face, I went and stood by her bed. The sight of her laying there, small framed and fragile, tugged at my heartstrings. She was the one who took care of me in my childhood, along with my parents of course. I remembered how she prepared lunch for me one time and the fried rice was burnt. I complained to myself. But how much would I give to enjoy her cooking again, no matter how burnt. I lowered myself and took a closer look at her, observing her every detail – the lines which cover her face, her teary eyes, flat nose and wrinkled lips covering half her nostrils. She had a head full of short, grey hair neatly combed to the back. Her small frame was exaggerated by her oversized, light-green uniform.

I smiled at her as I rest my chin on the railings of the bed. She smiled back. I soaked it all in.

She had pronounced breathing patterns, her throat rose and fell irregularly and heavily. I wondered if she had difficulty breathing. We had our exchange of words – the typical how-are-you? and the typical I’m-good-thank-you and of course, the how-about-you?. Her voice was weak and her hearing bad as well. Everything was just… Worn out. Weary.

“Do you remember that time when you were staying over at our home?” I asked. She made a sound to indicate “yes”. I continued: “Do you remember that time I brought a friend, a pastor?”. This time, she had no response. Instead, she looked away and at the ceiling instead. An eye half closed and the other slightly. I didn’t know what to do or say. Was it the question? Was it that she didn’t hear me? Was she tired? I tried again. “Can you hear me?” She made a sound, like before. “Do you remember?”

No response. I was at a loss.

I laid my head down on my clasped hands resting in-between my head and railings. I started to pray – out of desperation. I questioned and wondered. If even I do not try, who else would? How would anyone else be able to share with her? If not me, then who? I tried, but to no avail so now what? I prayed silently. And ended it silently, mouthing the words “In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen”.

With a heavy and troubled heart, I stood up. Bid her farewell and promised to visit again when the time allows. And left.

A letter from the God Appointed

Dear Leon,

Firstly, a ‘Happy Birthday.’ An unfortunately late one. I’m sorry. I actually remembered about it back in late June, and decided to get the Cg to celebrate the weekend after the Twelfth (i.e. last weekend). But it completely slipped my mind. I’m really sorry about it. But this makes up for nothing, it’s just a letter i’ve been meaning to write to you for awhile now.

Leon, I think we’ve known each other for just about three years now, or four? Eitherways, it’s been quite awhile. And a good bulk of that time we’ve known each other, we’ve been in the same cg. Back then, you had only just came to know Christ. I hope you see how far you’ve come along, and how much God has done in your life. You really have grown a lot over the years, with a fair share of struggles along the way. I worry a lot for you actually, because over the years we’ve met up/smsed to discuss all sorts of things that you’ve had to grapple with. And on top of that, knowing the kind of person I am, I haven’t gone easy on you with my advise or opinions, as per my nature. I know i’ can be a hard guy at times, I know I can offer the toughest positions/advise. Thus, I worry even more.

But you’ve been such a strong kid. Your faith has been rooted so firmly in Christ. You love Him more & more when it gets harder & harder. And honestly, I’ve asked myself: If I were in your position, would my faith hold up as well. I don’t know. haha. My impression of you now is that every week, every day, every event/occurance in your life, you’re just trying to love Christ more & more.

Leon, I think you’ll make a good leader in the future. You have a genuine love for Him, His word, and His people. I believe your faith is cemented in His Embrance. But I think you need to really recognize your identity in Him as well. I hope you really grow more & more to see who you are to Him, and In Him. let Him secure any insecurities you have.

Yes, I hear you – about the whole ‘authentic community’ thing. And frankly, I’m trying. Not not trying hard enough. It’s personally a difficulty of mine, because in my own life, I dont even cultivate healthy relationships with people. So I struggle to bring that into my cg. It’s the same with ‘birthdays’ you see. I don’t even celebrate my own birthdays, so even as much as I understand how much a birthday means to others, I fall short in conveying that sentiment. As illustrated in the opener of my letter. Maybe I don’t know how to appreciate birthdays in particular. But I do appreicate certain people; including you.

Christian relationships are meaningful when we can help one another grow more Christlike. You have been helping me in ways you don’t know. You’re an encourager, an example, a prompter. Keep helping me okay. And I’ll try to help you.

Be patient with me as I learn to love the people around me more. And teach me 🙂 

Your God-appointed cg Leader,
M

p.s. apologies aplenty for the handwriting. & the awful tearing. (straight out of my journal. haha)

Literature-d

After 2 years of literary skills drilled into my brain with countless poems and novel excerpts, I can’t seem to simply forget it.
Now, everything that happens to me seems to have passed through this “Significance” scanning. And even a simply family dinner and what I did is included. Here’s what happened.

Before all the main dishes were here from the Tze Char store, my dad ordered some satay as a form of appetizer. So after we were almost done, I added the leftover satay sauce to my rice hoping they would make the rice taste better – or something along those lines. But what I realized is that the sauce didn’t make it better – it only made me fuller than I ought to be. In other words, it killed my appetite. On top of that, I also ate a lot of nonsense, junk food 2 hours before dinner.

This made me link straight away to God. Having all the spiritual “junk food” first before feeding on real spiritual food will kill your appetite and space for it! Something like that.

Oh and a simple thing like having my food ordered wrongly in the domestic realm and having it right at the social realm makes me think that I can never replicate the experience from church to home. 

All these, actually, seems quite funny to me. And if I were to read them again in time to come, I will definitely laugh at this – or even at myself. 😀

Protected: Follower

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

The last goodbye..

I feel like an alien.
Hated for its existence.
O how I try to help,
But none of which fulfilled it purposes.

I tried to start a conversation.
Yet you root yourself at the poles.
And turned into a silent cold.
I tried to bring you sunshine.
Yet my sun had lost its light.
It neither brings light nor warmth.
Just adding to your cold;
Probably making you sick.
Sick of me.

I’m sorry.
But I can’t change the alien that I am.
As much as I want to.
As much as I favor you.
As much as I admired you.

But I shall worry no more.
For here comes a man;
that brought you a glimpse of light.
However small it may be.
The ice has fallen off your shoulders.
Never did you treat him coldly.
And I thank God that you didn’t.
I’ll just stay here in the corner.
Watching you from afar.
Maybe hoping you’d come talk to me sometime.
And that you are doing well.
Hope that God will bring you through your studies.
And that it’ll all be worth it.

This shall be the last goodbye.